Princess Stephyyy

That’s it. I give up. For real, I’ve never felt so defeated in my entire life. I don’t care who reads this, I don’t care if anyone cares about me. I know that everyone and everything would be better off without me. I don’t want to be alone right now, I’m scared of what I’m going to do. I’ve never felt this way before. I’m aware my life is pointless and that I’m probably not going anywhere in life. Everyone is moving on and happy and growing, I’m stuck. I’m consumed by my past or things I can’t have, I’m never good enough for anyone or anything. Never pretty enough, smart enough, witty enough, I don’t stuck up for myself, I smoke too much, drink too much, I’m better off gone. The sad thing is if I did it, no one would notice. my roommate would find me, people would pretend to care for a month or two, then I would be forgotten, the only person I feel like it would effect is my brother and he’s been through the worse already so I feel like he’d be okay, idk, I need to go think or something.

You guys should get a tumblr :)

I would love it if things could work out for once :(


Ps. Good luck amanda!

Pss. Miss you girls

Dear life,
Please start looking up, I'm sick of feeling this way.

Blow my brains out

I'm in love but we just talk.

Talk about an emotional week. My great grandpa died yesterday, I'm relieved because he won't be in pain anymore. It still sucks losing someone. But he needed to go, I mean come on the man was 93, we are having the wake tuesday and the funeral wednesday then back to new york. I've seen steve twice since I've been home and its been a constant battle each time. I saw a special boy a few times too. You know when you're with someone and you just know that its meant to be, ugh that's how I feel but he lives here and I live there. I picked him up at one in the morning and we drove around and talked and just hung out until 6:30 in the morning. I will marry him some day hahah I sound so lame but I'm so in love with him and I'm done pretending I'm not.


Today I ate with the family and then they left and I was sitting at home bored so I decided to start drinking alone, after realizing how lame I was I decided to call steve and have him bring me to alanna's and me her and amanda went for a walk. Its so nice knowing I'm not the only person who hates everyone in this town. Its just lame how we let meaningless boys get in the way of an awesome friendship. But I can't wait to see them again, hopefully before I leave <3 :)

I'm sleepy, goodnight!

So lastnight I smoked for the first time in three weeks and thank god I did, I don't know how I would have gotten through the night. I get a text from colden saying "just so you know aaron has been hooking up with this girl for almost two weeks now". Weird right? Considering the last time I saw him was two weeks ago. So I was fucking pissed and confronted aaron. I was nice about it and I was like all you had to do was tell me, its not like we were ever dating but I thought he would have had alittle more respect for me. Fuck. I was so mad. But then I started thinking about it, its not his fault. He told me all along all he wanted was to hook up and never felt "that way" about me and I was just stupid and thought maybe those feelings would change, I'm not used to guys not falling for me, which sounds really conseided but its true. Ugh, and then I started texting the boy from mass' best friend about how much I miss him and he was like don't get hung up on him, the last thing he wants is a relationship. Well no fuck! I wouldn't do a 300 mile relationship every again, but all I wanted was someone to tell me that we will work out someday. So I'm already miserable in my bed and who decides it would be a fun idea to text me, oh that would be steve. He goes "heyy fire at my house" and my response "heyy fuck off" we got in a huge fight, like honestly if he wasn't such a fucking scumbag liar I wouldn't be in this situation. I would be happy and in love, but no I'm alone, miserable and in love with someone who can't love me back, hating steve and disappointed in aaron. And to top it all off this is the longest I've been single and 6 years, I feel pathetic.

Hey, I miss updating on livejournal so I'm back for a little while. My friend and I got an apartment yesterday, I was in such a good mood until aaron blew me off. I haven't seen him in two weeks. Okay, he isn't my boyfriend but I was still looking forward to seeing him and he completely blew me off. Whatever so I went to boston last weekend and saw an old friend that reminded me what love really was, no it wasn't steve or matt miller, although I did hang out with him for a little. But anyways, I am head over heels in love with him and there is nothing I can do about it. I refuse to have another 300 mile relationship. I thought about moving back but there is just way too much drama for me to handle. I guess we will have to see how things go.

The girl I am moving in with is my absolute best friend. Every minute we spend aren't working, we are together. We never fight or argue. I can't wait to live with her, its going to be fucking sweet.

Hmm...I don't know, I'm done chasing aaron and waiting for him to have feelings for me, sorry I'm not randomly hooking up with him, that's not how I am.

And as for steve, he can fuck off. Everyone thinks steve is this angel and he is sweet and all this other bullshit. He isn't. He's a fucking tool. Be a pothead, whatever. I smoke too but for some reason I get so mad when he talks about weed, I mean come on..its steve langlais. Whatever he's just like jared bledsoe, which I know he loves but its fucking obnoxious. I can't believe I ever dated him. Biggest regret of my life.

http://www.formspring.me/imstephleahy


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